i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
