I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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