I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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