Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
