I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
