I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
