so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
