Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
