I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Im part way to drunk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
