Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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