I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
