There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
