you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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