Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
