when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
