and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
