I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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