im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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