why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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