i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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