my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
