First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
