i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
