I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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