did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
