Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
