he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
