I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
