Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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