Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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