Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
