I just pynch a tree in the face
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
