you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
