When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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