apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
