matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
