i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
