Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
