I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
