im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
im on a boat
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