This is not my ceiling
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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