You're my little dorito
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
