I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
