First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
