Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
