I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
