so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
