I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
