I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
did i walk over a car last night?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
