I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
