The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
