my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
