My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
