two words: eviction party
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
