she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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