My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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