Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
